We’ve arrived at Day 14 of my 21 Days of Courage, and I’m exploring why I use one particular word as much as I do…
I apparently have a habit of labelling things as ‘fine’. I only know this because my daughter flagged it up to me a week or so ago.
She was particularly frustrated because she wanted my honest feedback on a project of importance to her and this was the best I could muster.
‘Why is everything always “fine” with you? Why can’t you say what you really mean?’
Why indeed? I have no recollection of when I first started this defaulting to ‘fine’, but I suspect it goes back a bit. It is, after all, such a magnificent omnibus word with such a broad reach of meaning.
I can — and do — use it to mean any of the following…
- Something that strikes me as exceptional — that’s a really fine example.
- Something that’s OK with me — that’ll be fine.
- Something that’s not really OK with me but I’ll go along with it — fine, whatever.
- Something around health and wellbeing — I’m feeling fine.
- Something specific that needs pinning down — I’ll wait for the fine detail.
It’s the second and third options that drive my daughter nuts and now I come to explore this in a bit of detail, I can see why.
Saying ‘fine’ really can be a cop-out, an easy (but lazy) exit strategy when you don’t want to offend, or don’t want something already a little confrontational to escalate, or you just want to close down a conversation.
And I am guilty of all those — I get really uncomfortable if I sense what I’m about to say is going to offend somebody, I am exceedingly accomplished at avoiding confrontations (as I explored on Day 2 of this challenge), and I would sooner close down a conversation than have it lead me into dangerously uncharted waters.
This strategy is one I’ve clearly perfected over the years, and probably has its origins in wanting a quiet life when I was growing up and avoiding situations where what I said or did could be the source of any disappointment, especially to my mother. By saying ‘that’s fine’ I could — and, it seems, still do — neutralise pretty much anything.
But it’s time to stop defaulting like this and start paying a little more attention. My daughter wanted my honest opinion and she deserves better than an anodyne reflex reaction. I dread to think how many other times — especially when she was herself growing up — I may have responded with a ‘fine’ and switched my attention elsewhere when what she needed was to know what I actually thought and felt.
So it’s time for some self-awareness here. I’m a little late rocking up to the 2020 New Year’s resolution party, but nonetheless here I am: from now on, whenever I feel a ‘fine’ coming on, I will stop and ask myself whether it’s absolutely appropriate or whether I’m just wimping out again.
And I’m pretty confident I know where to find a diligent accountability partner…
Image: SDictionary
You hit it on the head ….fine is too often a cop-out word.
This is magnificent. Profound, There’s a book here – not just about ‘fine’ but about all the words and phrases people use to evade realities. There is also the question of how much we can manage of the stretch and panic zones, in a day or week or whenever,
The technique I have used is ‘funny voices’. Saying something in a voice that conveys that I may not or don’;t really mean it. The production editor at RT once went nuts at me saying ‘I never knowwhen you are serious or when you are joking’ and I replied ‘I know what you mean’ – in a Mickey Mouse voice,
Och, that’s the do!